Faerie Eradication Wanted

Most people don’t know that Faeries are actually really mean. Sure they look all sweet and innocent with their little wings and cute faces and shiny eyes but the truth about Faeries is that they bite and pinch and they cause general mischief around the yard and god help you if you get one in your house, you’ll soon see that your pair of socks only has one sock, you won’t be able to find the remote to the tv, the milk will be empty but still on the shelf in the refrigerator (see and you always thought that was your roommate). So now that I’ve told you all the ills of the Faerie kind don’t you kinda want one for your very own? Because I have one and maybe you need some additional mischief in your life? Who doesn’t like the occasional missing sock, it’s like a game of hide and seek.

She’s really rather adorable, she stands about 2 inches tall, she’s a redhead, with iridescent purple wings and a purple dress and she is waiting patiently on her mushroom to wreak havoc in your home. Don’t you kinda want her? She needs to go to a good home so drop me a line and tell me why your home is good enough for her and when you get her don’t blame me if you can’t find the tv remote.

I am able to meet up Saturday the 30th or Sunday the 31st somewhere in Brooklyn (Slope Most likely)(definitely not Williamsburg). Oh and if YOU can’t meet me don’t ask if you can have this faerie. But remember – with faeries comes great responsibility.

(So I knew this one was going to be a weird one because faerie people are kinda weird. I’m not gonna go as far as to say I was one at some point in the 90’s but clearly if I have a faerie bird bath/ash tray then I must have been into faeries more than not. Don’t judge me, I do that for myself enough already. Anyway I got some interesting responses and there was one person who really, really wanted this faerie (and she always wrote to me in 24 point type and in a color which I found doubly entertaining) and yet she could never make time to actually come meet me so I had to tell her to forget it, which is probably for the best because my friends told me she sounded like a psycho killer. Alas, I did enjoy her enthusiasm over this item. Enjoy!)

________________________________

u r 2 cute, stay blessed, jakiee

________________________________

Wow best free post ever. Had me guessing to the end.

(Guessing, what?)

________________________________

Me mum was a fairy.  Me pappy was a sea horse with peg fin.  They met
on a lonely, dark night outside of a Wal-mart.  The air was thick with
cat calls and smelled of raw talent.  Me pappy was hanging from a hood
ornament drunk as a sea skunk when me mum fluttered by with a naughty look in her
eye.  She was high on pixie dust and mistook him for a fully loaded hotdog.
2.3 seconds later I was conceived.  Me mum pooped me out right there in the parking lot in
between an oil spill and broken Snapple bottle.  And then she
abandoned me!  I was forced to sell my body to escaped
lab rats in order to survive. I contracted Hepatitis Z.  The kind
that gives you teeth and finger nails in your anus.  Every time
I poop its like chewing toffee at the broadwalk.  When I got older I
got a job in marketing.  That turned out ok but I still think about
my days back in the walmart parking lot rolling with rats covered in
sores and cotton candy, at least I think it was cotton candy.
So if you give me this fairy I will smash it!!  Just like I smash all
fairies.  I will video the smashing and post it on my blog
fairysmashatblogspotdotcom.  One day me mum will learn to use the
internet and she will know my pain.  She will know the depth my hatred for all fairies.
This little fairy won’t be stealing any socks.  Oh no!  She will die.  I don’t care how loud you
clap! Clap until your little hands bleed!  Thus to all fairies!

~Fairy Smasher

(Now I have to say I did love the Fairy Smasher but the idea of this poor little faerie laying dead on the sidewalk made me too sad to give it to the Fairy Smasher. But keep up the good work!)

________________________________

hhihi   i  have alot of fairy frends im really  close and good with  them  ill  send some  pics  ok would love to have it  for a  frend  named  tink

-ww

(This is the beginning of the really crazy responses.)

______________________________

i fergot to mention  mostly  tink is really nice and sweet  but giggle sumtimes  she does get a lil  naughty  mostly wenn shes alone  with  peter  any wayy  by the way im in the brooklyn  mermaids n polar bear clubs  live  in brighton beach   i have  yahoo yim to  chat u  can add  me  i have alot of hobbies love to  cook  n bake  cookies fer  frends  all kinds  of giggle cookies  mushrooooomeey ones to    love to  sail  my frend hasa  big sailboat  in  sheepshead  bay we teach  sailing to  the students  n  boat  repairs  iff u  come acroos  any  tools  /drills  /sanders n  stuff  would  be greatly  apreciated  love to  swim  n  shop  to

-ww

(#2 and they just keep getting better and she includes photos of faeries and crap in each email.)

________________________________

i fergot to leaVE MY NUMBER AT FRENDS HOUSE IN BRIGHTON   1***-***-****  ANYWAY U REALLY NEED TO MAKE ALOWWANCES  FOR  FAIRYS  AND THER COUSINS  LEPRECHAUNS  N  NICE  GEMLINS    N  OTHERS  I HAVE ALOT OF FRENDS ALLOVER I CHAT TO ON Y I M  SOME  R  FURRIES SOME GOTHS  SOME WICANS  N  RAINBOW  FOLKS  I  M  NICE TO ALL N THERE NICE TO  ME  WERE GONA HAVE  OUR  NEW YEARS  SWIM IN I DEC  N MAYBE  ASOLCTICE  GATHERING  ON DEC 21  YOUR WELCOME  TO  COME  IN CONEYISLAND  🙂

-ww

(#3 in all caps, 24pt type and pink, just keeps getting better!)

________________________________

What a lovely little Faerie! The faeries I currently share my space with are quite elusive! Perhaps of I introduce this little one I may see more of the others!  May I please have her. One look and I was smitten!
Thanks
M

(See faerie people, kinda special.)

________________________________

Ill take her
CM

(Nope, your actually not crazy enough.)

_______________________________

hihi  yayyyyyyyyyyyyy         illtell tink  right away  shes  got  a  new  housemate  shell  be  tikled  pink  ill  ask  frend  from the  ymha  iff he  can pick it  up  next  cupple  days  ?  maybe thursday  let me  know  if/wenn / its conveniyant  for you  il tell  tink  to  tell peter  and the  boys  they have  a new  frend  coming thell  be  thrilled
-ww

(#4 still better and the spelling!)

________________________________

hihi its tuesday morning  bout  10am  ill be  in till  1pm  my frend sed  hell pick  up  our new house  mate wenever  its good fer  u    let  me know  ok   thankeees /p.s  ill give u his email wenn i hear back from u  ok

-ww

(#5 she wants me to meet her friend and give him the faerie but that’s not how this works)

________________________________

hi its  really hard for me to  get away  this weeks  jewish holidays  realatives  will be here all week visiting and  i have  school classes n  the ymha  lunches n day care    my frend sed he can meet at the  closest  subway stop  /q? or f lines

-ww

(#6 in pink)

________________________________
How much is she?I think she just might fit through the faerie door I just bought.

(She’s free but you can’t read so you don’t get her.)

________________________________

ok  but started  partime classes  and  still have alot of work at y  message me wenn u can

-ww

(#7 she won’t make time to meet me for her free faerie.)

________________________________

hi i just got in from work   need to be at work tomorro  till late  i  can ask my frend iff she can pickup  let  me know thank you

-ww

(#8 still trying to get the friend to come get the faerie even though I already said no.)

________________________________

was out of town staying with  relatives  sorry it diddnt work out  maybee it wasnt meant to be  any  way  tell the fairy i sed  hi  and hope she has a nice  home  and happy times and best  of  luck

-ww

(#9 I am feeling really close to her right now. Um, no. So I told her if she couldn’t meet me then I couldn’t give her the faerie. She was sad over this outcome.)

________________________________

Please contact me.  Thanks

(What? No. Spam probably.)

________________________________

hello,

I saw your ad for the very pretty red head faerie. mischief in my house is normal, missing socks, keys, milk, and shoe just some of the few things we have lost. when I say we I have many friends that she will be able to play with, a baby, a cat, a ghost, turtles, a inside garden and even some birds she can terrorize. I have the perfect spot in my garden for her where she will be able to fill more at home, and if she wishes to cause some mischief it will not be any displeasing and her antics will be enjoyed.

please let me know, I would love to have another in my growing family.
you can call me at ***-***-****or email me

(And the winner is! This lady – kinda weird but not super scary weird. She came from the Bronx which is like an hour and a half on the train to get the faerie and I think I made the right choice. While she was covered in blood (fake) she at no point tried to cover me in my own blood. Enjoy your new home faerie!)


Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: