I’ll Huff and I’ll Puff…

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And I’ll tell you what time it is? What time is it? It’s time for this amazing piece of craftsmanship to come be in a prominent place on your living room wall. Don’t you just find wolves majestic? Their cool crisp eyes, their shining white teeth, all the better to eat you with my dear! And who doesn’t love a piece of varnished tree to decorate their home, not you!

This finely hand crafted timepiece can be yours and all you have to do is ask nicely and bring me a picnic basket full of goodies.

Love, Grandma

I am available to meet you in Park Slope on Friday March 1 or Saturday March 2. I’ll be wearing red. Please leave your silver bullets at home.

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Can i have it please call me @ ***-***-****

David

(David you put so very little effort into this for such a wonderful item. No.)

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Dear grandma!

I loved your post and the clock but no romanian would put wolves on the wall:)Although, I guess I could replace the pic, ah?:))

I decided to inform you about our swap meetings…InOurHearts at the Judson Church in Mhtn…Townsquare’s, in G’point most of the time…Questions? I’d be pleased to reply.

Thank you,

Eliza

(I didn’t totally understand this. So you don’t want it because you’re Romanian? And Romanians hate wolves? Is this true? I thought about Googling it but then I realized I didn’t really care that much. But if any one wants to tell me why Romanians hate wolves please do. Oh yeah and she wanted to take out the picture of the wolves and put in something else and I really wasn’t ok with that.)

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hey grandma, i hope you can meet before march 1st!

(What? No. I said March 1st or March 2nd, I’m really busy all the time giving stupid stuff away on Craigslist and I’m not going to meet you just because it’s convenient for you. No wolf clock for you!)

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 hi if  you  still have  the  clock  i  can m,eety  you tomorrow in park slope  ,  please  let  me know  ?  thank  you .                             sam

(So I love, love BIG fonts and I cannot lie. I mean they get your attention especially when they are in a color other than black. I also really like when there is all this weird spacing and commas in the middle of words. Thank you for brightening my day Sam! But no clock for you.)

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i’d like to pick up the clock this afternoon if possible. i work in

downtown brooklyn and live in prospect heights. i can meet after 3pm

js

(This person was just kind of boring and expectant.)

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cute clock can pick i t up by 1pm i work

right at the brooklyn public library

leslie

(I know you only work by the library and you’re not a librarian but a little more effort would have been nice.)

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hi would love to have that clock its my style

lew

(I am always curious when people say things like “That ugly/odd/weird thing that you have is my style” because that just makes me want to meet them. But I didn’t pick Lew.)

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Hi im chris I can pickup asap im only 15 minutes away

(Chris I really like it when people have to come from far away for this stuff. You’re too close and maybe you only want it because of proximity?)

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B in the slope around 2 if u still wana give this away.. My sons room would love it ans so wud he, thx

kate

(Taught to spell by wolves!)

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Would like this wood piece if still available let me know asap.

Sexyink

(It’s a clock! Call it by name!)

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hi  were  in brighton beach ,  i really love the  clock  ,i collect   folk art  clocks  and  have  a  bunch  , we  know the  slope area well we  go there to eat and walk in the  park in  the summertime  and for the stoop  sales,  and if you have or get some  other things we  can use  or regift to  friends    here who lost things during the hurricane  please  let  me  know anytime,  we have gotten  allot of things  from  people in the slope  area  practical  things and just nice  stuff to  cheer  people  up   ,imm home  mornings and after 6 p.m.  most  nights   please  call or email  anytime  you have somethings even odd items and let  me know ,   thank  you    SAM

(And brightening my day again is SAM. So big so blue. And he really wants this clock. To re-gift?)

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Hi I can pick up the clock asap.my number is ***-***-**** let me low thanks

Jessie

(Meh.)

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Oh my goodness, I never thought I’d see something so kitschy yet so wonderful on Craigslist!  Please please please may I have it?  I can pick it up on Friday night after 6 pm, or any time on Saturday.

Thanks,

Mary

(Wow, look at those manners. And that backhanded compliment. Now we’re talking. There’s something about Mary!)

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Good morning .. lol. My name is jess I would like the clock .I have a fascination with wood …. Let me know what’s up and the details on this basket of goodies and what it consist of ?

Jessica

(What? Why are you lol-ing me? It was morning when you sent this, no reason for laughing out loud. And what’s with your fascination with wood? Like where it comes from? I am passing up a basket of goodies because you lol-ed too early in the morning.)

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hi  just emailed  / replyed to  the  other  email add  / jvrcr-3645226298@sale.craigslist.org <, ill be  at the  Fort hamilton  f    train stop  at   5:30  if your  there today i  can stop over  otherwise  on   friday or saturday    I  can  meet  you ,                  thank  you     , SAM

(Oh Sam, the ever persistent Sam, so well intended with your large blue font. I have some concerns about this email the third in a series but I am not to going to tell you what those concerns are right now.)

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This posting has been flagged for removal.

And then it got flagged and removed like they tend to do. Jerks. So I reposted it.

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I love the clock. Friday is good

Jirkita

(I got nothing.)

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hi   i emailed in the  morning  ,  i would really like to have  the  clock  , imm going to park slope later todaY  about  5:30   to pick up somethings , if your around i can go over  to you  afterwards  or wen ever its good  for  you,   please  let  me  know  ?thank  you.     Sam-

(And then a fourth from Sam. I feel very close to him now. His desperation is palpable.)

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Address please I can pick up anytime!

Raul

(You think it’s that simple Raul. I must vet you first!)

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Hi

Is the clock still available?  Thank you

Regina

(Yes and no. But mostly no.)

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Alright, where can I meet you.?..

(No name, no number, no please, no thank you. I’m pretty sure this is the real big bad wolf.)

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I would love to have this clock…My husband (K) is coming into Brooklyn on Friday afternoon and he can pick it up. Please let me know where to go…he needs the zip code for his GPS …My cell# is ***-***-****….Thanks, Juliana

(I liked her enthusiasm but another one of my made up rules is that I only meet with the person who emailed me. Her loss.)

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hello would like your clock very much & thank you ,max

(Friendly enough but a little bland.)

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Hello there found your ad in craigs list …I will be looking for grandma in red in park slope I loved the clocks…

Marga

(She never says that she wants the clock just that she’ll be looking for me. Should I be worried?)

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Second time emailing you.

I’m interested thank you

Damaris

(Really he only emailed me once, unless this is SAM in disguise.)

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This posting has been flagged for removal.

And then after the second flagging and removal I had to pick someone.  And yet even after flagging and removal Sam still emailed me. So I wrote him back to give him the bad news.

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hi i emailed  yesterday , if you still  have  the  clock   please do let  me  know and if you get  some  other  things  we  can use or regift  to  friends  here  please  keep us  in mind  call or  email  anytime,   thank  you.       SAM

You didn’t win the wolf clock.

Better luck next time.

(Of course he wrote me back.)

hi  o k  thank you for letting  me  know  , if you do get  some  other  things  we  can use  or  regift to  friends  here  in brighton beach  please  do  let  me know  anytime,        thank  you    SAM

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In the end I chose Mary because she had the nicest email and she said Please three times and I am all about pleasantries and politeness. So I wrote her back.

Mary,

I’d like you to have the wolf clock. Let’s meet on Saturday. I plan on

being at a coffee shop between 10 and 2 pm in the North Slope.

Best,

Grandma

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Hi Grandma,

Cool, thanks!  I’ll be there around noon; what’s the address of the coffee shop?

Mary

And so we met and Mary LOVED the wolf clock, just like I knew she would. And everybody lived happily ever after.

2013-03-02_13-06-46_969

THE END

 

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One Response to “I’ll Huff and I’ll Puff…”

  1. Theo Says:

    This is hilarious, grandma. I love the woman who said that her son’s room would love the clock and then added her son, as if it were an afterthought. What else do you think she does specifically for that room’s benefit? Like, is she not really into having a kid but makes sure she feeds him so the room stays happy?

    Anyway, Mary was definitely the best choice. I mean, just look at her, she’s wearing a bright pink coat AND a purple hat!

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