I’ll Huff and I’ll Puff…

And I’ll tell you what time it is? What time is it? It’s time for this amazing piece of craftsmanship to come be in a prominent place on your living room wall. Don’t you just find wolves majestic? Their cool crisp eyes, their shining white teeth, all the better to eat you with my dear! And who doesn’t love a piece of varnished tree to decorate their home, not you!

This finely hand crafted timepiece can be yours and all you have to do is ask nicely and bring me a picnic basket full of goodies.

Love, Grandma

I am available to meet you in Park Slope on Friday March 1 or Saturday March 2. I’ll be wearing red. Please leave your silver bullets at home.

—————————————————————————————

Can i have it please call me @ ***-***-****

David

(David you put so very little effort into this for such a wonderful item. No.)

—————————————————————————————

Dear grandma!

I loved your post and the clock but no romanian would put wolves on the wall:)Although, I guess I could replace the pic, ah?:))

I decided to inform you about our swap meetings…InOurHearts at the Judson Church in Mhtn…Townsquare’s, in G’point most of the time…Questions? I’d be pleased to reply.

Thank you,

Eliza

(I didn’t totally understand this. So you don’t want it because you’re Romanian? And Romanians hate wolves? Is this true? I thought about Googling it but then I realized I didn’t really care that much. But if any one wants to tell me why Romanians hate wolves please do. Oh yeah and she wanted to take out the picture of the wolves and put in something else and I really wasn’t ok with that.)

—————————————————————————————

hey grandma, i hope you can meet before march 1st!

(What? No. I said March 1^st or March 2^nd, I’m really busy all the time giving stupid stuff away on Craigslist and I’m not going to meet you just because it’s convenient for you. No wolf clock for you!)

—————————————————————————————

 hi if  you  still have  the  clock  i  can m,eety  you tomorrow in park slope  ,  please  let  me know  ?  thank  you .                             sam

(So I love, love BIG fonts and I cannot lie. I mean they get your attention especially when they are in a color other than black. I also really like when there is all this weird spacing and commas in the middle of words. Thank you for brightening my day Sam! But no clock for you.)

—————————————————————————————

i’d like to pick up the clock this afternoon if possible. i work in

downtown brooklyn and live in prospect heights. i can meet after 3pm

js

(This person was just kind of boring and expectant.)

—————————————————————————————

cute clock can pick i t up by 1pm i work

right at the brooklyn public library

leslie

(I know you only work by the library and you’re not a librarian but a little more effort would have been nice.)

—————————————————————————————

hi would love to have that clock its my style

lew

(I am always curious when people say things like “That ugly/odd/weird thing that you have is my style” because that just makes me want to meet them. But I didn’t pick Lew.)

—————————————————————————————

Hi im chris I can pickup asap im only 15 minutes away

(Chris I really like it when people have to come from far away for this stuff. You’re too close and maybe you only want it because of proximity?)

—————————————————————————————

B in the slope around 2 if u still wana give this away.. My sons room would love it ans so wud he, thx

kate

(Taught to spell by wolves!)

—————————————————————————————

Would like this wood piece if still available let me know asap.

Sexyink

(It’s a clock! Call it by name!)

—————————————————————————————

hi  were  in brighton beach ,  i really love the  clock  ,i collect   folk art  clocks  and  have  a  bunch  , we  know the  slope area well we  go there to eat and walk in the  park in  the summertime  and for the stoop  sales,  and if you have or get some  other things we  can use  or regift to  friends    here who lost things during the hurricane  please  let  me  know anytime,  we have gotten  allot of things  from  people in the slope  area  practical  things and just nice  stuff to  cheer  people  up   ,imm home  mornings and after 6 p.m.  most  nights   please  call or email  anytime  you have somethings even odd items and let  me know ,   thank  you    SAM

(And brightening my day again is SAM. So big so blue. And he really wants this clock. To re-gift?)

—————————————————————————————

Hi I can pick up the clock asap.my number is ***-***-**** let me low thanks

Jessie

(Meh.)

—————————————————————————————

Oh my goodness, I never thought I’d see something so kitschy yet so wonderful on Craigslist!  Please please please may I have it?  I can pick it up on Friday night after 6 pm, or any time on Saturday.

Thanks,

Mary

(Wow, look at those manners. And that backhanded compliment. Now we’re talking. There’s something about Mary!)

—————————————————————————————

Good morning .. lol. My name is jess I would like the clock .I have a fascination with wood …. Let me know what’s up and the details on this basket of goodies and what it consist of ?

Jessica

(What? Why are you lol-ing me? It was morning when you sent this, no reason for laughing out loud. And what’s with your fascination with wood? Like where it comes from? I am passing up a basket of goodies because you lol-ed too early in the morning.)

—————————————————————————————

hi  just emailed  / replyed to  the  other  email add  / jvrcr-3645226298@sale.craigslist.org <, ill be  at the  Fort hamilton  f    train stop  at   5:30  if your  there today i  can stop over  otherwise  on   friday or saturday    I  can  meet  you ,                  thank  you     , SAM

(Oh Sam, the ever persistent Sam, so well intended with your large blue font. I have some concerns about this email the third in a series but I am not to going to tell you what those concerns are right now.)

—————————————————————————————

This posting has been flagged for removal.

And then it got flagged and removed like they tend to do. Jerks. So I reposted it.

—————————————————————————————

I love the clock. Friday is good

Jirkita

(I got nothing.)

—————————————————————————————

hi   i emailed in the  morning  ,  i would really like to have  the  clock  , imm going to park slope later todaY  about  5:30   to pick up somethings , if your around i can go over  to you  afterwards  or wen ever its good  for  you,   please  let  me  know  ?thank  you.     Sam-

(And then a fourth from Sam. I feel very close to him now. His desperation is palpable.)

—————————————————————————————

Address please I can pick up anytime!

Raul

(You think it’s that simple Raul. I must vet you first!)

—————————————————————————————

Hi

Is the clock still available?  Thank you

Regina

(Yes and no. But mostly no.)

—————————————————————————————

Alright, where can I meet you.?..

(No name, no number, no please, no thank you. I’m pretty sure this is the real big bad wolf.)

—————————————————————————————

I would love to have this clock…My husband (K) is coming into Brooklyn on Friday afternoon and he can pick it up. Please let me know where to go…he needs the zip code for his GPS …My cell# is ***-***-****….Thanks, Juliana

(I liked her enthusiasm but another one of my made up rules is that I only meet with the person who emailed me. Her loss.)

—————————————————————————————

hello would like your clock very much & thank you ,max

(Friendly enough but a little bland.)

—————————————————————————————

Hello there found your ad in craigs list …I will be looking for grandma in red in park slope I loved the clocks…

Marga

(She never says that she wants the clock just that she’ll be looking for me. Should I be worried?)

—————————————————————————————

Second time emailing you.

I’m interested thank you

Damaris

(Really he only emailed me once, unless this is SAM in disguise.)

—————————————————————————————

This posting has been flagged for removal.

And then after the second flagging and removal I had to pick someone.  And yet even after flagging and removal Sam still emailed me. So I wrote him back to give him the bad news.

—————————————————————————————

hi i emailed  yesterday , if you still  have  the  clock   please do let  me  know and if you get  some  other  things  we  can use or regift  to  friends  here  please  keep us  in mind  call or  email  anytime,   thank  you.       SAM

You didn’t win the wolf clock.

Better luck next time.

(Of course he wrote me back.)

hi  o k  thank you for letting  me  know  , if you do get  some  other  things  we  can use  or  regift to  friends  here  in brighton beach  please  do  let  me know  anytime,        thank  you    SAM

—————————————————————————————

In the end I chose Mary because she had the nicest email and she said Please three times and I am all about pleasantries and politeness. So I wrote her back.

Mary,

I’d like you to have the wolf clock. Let’s meet on Saturday. I plan on

being at a coffee shop between 10 and 2 pm in the North Slope.

Best,

Grandma

—————————————————————————————

Hi Grandma,

Cool, thanks!  I’ll be there around noon; what’s the address of the coffee shop?

Mary

And so we met and Mary LOVED the wolf clock, just like I knew she would. And everybody lived happily ever after.

THE END

 

A Snowman and a Nun walk into a bar…

The Snowman turns to the Nun and says “Hey, what are you doing in here?” The nun says “It’s a habit.”

Here we have some lovely and highly collectable items! A small vase in the shape of a Nun suitable for cut flowers or pens or other random stuff that you might need to keep all in one place. And a very cool (get it?) Snowman mug. The snowman mug has this special feature where his top hat comes off and works as a lid so you can keep you hot beverages hotter longer. Whatever clever person designed this deserves some kind of award. He also has a bonus detachable spoon so you can stir up that powdery hot coco mix that always floats to the top. These two come as a pair and all yours for the bargain price of FREE. Drop me a line and I’ll meet up with you in the heart of Park Slope Sunday March 4th. Pick up only, Sorry but I will not be mailing these or meeting you at the Wonder Wheel in Coney Island or at the top of the Empire State building.

—————————————————————————————————

(Ten months ago I posted the nun three different times and it was “flagged and removed” within minutes each time. So this time I took a slightly more wholesome approach and don’t mention adultery or being saved for your sins by having this collectible nun vase in your home. It seemed to work better. Craigslist always amuses me when my posts for FREE stuff gets removed, because really my ceramic nun is offensive? Maybe those people should click on over to the personal ads and see what the real definition of offensive is. You could probably even find a real nun and a guy willing to dress up as a snowman, just sayin’.)

——————————————————————

I want the nun!!!!!!!!
-robert

Robert, sadly I need you to try a little harder. While I do love exclamation points just because you use 8 of them does not mean you can have the nun. Oh and they are a couple, till death do them part! Geez Robert.

———————————————————————

we would love this . thanks . Peter

Really, Peter? That’s all you’ve got? Very disappointing. C-

———————————————————————

Very clever posting……..Im sure you got lots of responses……as they  say, its all in the marketing! -Gus

Thank you Gus. I appreciate your compliment.

———————————————————————

HI I COULD USE THIS I LIKE IT SO PLEASE  LET ME NO WHERE TO PICK UP OK LIZ

DEAR LIZ, STOP SHOUTING AT ME. All caps and no periods. So loud. And it’s not a this, it’s a these. So no.

———————————————————————

These are ‘chill’!
If still available, I’m interested! And can meet at Prospect Park later today.

Thanks,
Alida

I thought it was a little funny with the ‘chill, I assumed a pun on the snowman. But my schedule did not accommodate meeting in the park to exchange a nun and a snowman. So I declined. Not that I told her that. Also my friends get mad when I meet strangers in the park. Safety first blah, blah, blah.

———————————————————————

Hi, i was very entertained by your introduction. You sold me at subject. No kidding. i am madly in love with the nun, if you still have it. And of course the snowman has to be there. Do you still have it? Can i pick it up on Monday? I work weekend ( very sad job) Thanks!

E.

Ah, and we have a winner or a loser depending on how you look at it.

 

I respond:

Actually yes, they are still waiting to go to a good home.

Are you a good home?

I’m available Monday after 6. Are you in Brooklyn?

Hi, yes i live in Brooklyn. After 6 is good. I am the best home they can find. You are in park slope right? Any coffee shop in park slope would do. You know it’s not the best way to be killed over two porcelain dolls. Thank you!

E.

(I know it’s the right person because he/she mentions murder in the response. I thought that was funny. Does that make me crazy? Though his assumption was that I was the killer and mine was that he/she was.)

So I wrote back and told him/her to meet me at the designated pick up spot in the slope and he didn’t show. What the hell. I waited around. Then I left, ticked. I’m giving you something FREE don’t stand me up. So I went home and ate some dinner and cried. (not really) But later that evening I got the apology email.

Hi. sorry. I swear i am not pure scam. Here is what happened. I pulled all nighter yesterday. And was supposed to take an hour nap before reading your email. Woke up after 7. and i had two email. Partially thought you wouldn’t go anywhere since i didn’t confirm. I am sorry. I feel so bad. Are we through? Do i still have chance? Thanks!

E.

One more chance buddy, one more chance.

————————————————————————————————–

Hooray! She showed up tonight. She was very apologetic about sleeping through our meet up last night. (Partially my fault for not confirming) The only slight snafu was that she was super modest, shy, and a little creeped out. I had to pull out my best lines “Come on, all the cool kids are doing it. It’s just one time. What could happen?” Totally did not work. Alright so I guess the concept might be a little creepy, but totally fun right? Right?  So in the end we compromised and her mittens were pretty cool anyway and she was very sincerely fond of the nun and I was not about to re-post all this on Craigslist. I can not disclose what she will be doing with the snowman but let’s just say Frosty might be counting down to meltdown. 

Mystery Girl 

Art Imitates Life, Imitating Art, Imitating Soup?

It’s a classic, it may even be considered vintage, I mean Andy Warhol was a huge fan and look where it got him. Here we have this formerly delicious can of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup just for you. Now I’m not offering it to you as just a can of soup but more as a paperweight or a bookend because as I discovered it is actually now considered vintage because this particular can of soup was born in 1997. Seriously 1997! God that was a good year, Titanic won the Oscar, Ellen DeGeneres came out, and Greenbay beat New England in the Super Bowl. So I think it might make a lovely addition to your bookshelf but I highly recommend that you probably don’t eat it, unless you are a frat guy and this part of traditional yet cruel hazing. However, I take no responsibility for what you choose to do with this soup if you do in fact choose to open it and see what lurks inside not my problem.

I will meet you in a mutually conveniently location for the great soup exchange. (Artwork by Andy Warhol not included, you just get can of soup)

(I thought for sure this would be flagged and removed fairly quickly like so many that have come before. But NO! It made it the whole 10 days. I guess people liked the nostalgia and information about the year 1997. Oh and sometimes people ask me where I get this stuff from and for the most part I just have a lot of really weird stuff and sometimes people give me stuff but in this case I found this in my parents basement on the shelf of can goods on Christmas Eve. Maybe next time I’ll bring back the expired tube Neosporin from 1993 that was in the medicine cabinet that actually made my cut worse! Oh yeah, I put it back in the medicine cabinet.)

—————————————————————–

So, I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in your soup can (although I’m sure it’s a mighty fine can, I just don’t think we’d be a match), but I just wanted to tell you that this was by far, the best, craigslist free ad I’ve ever stumbled upon. Ever.

-JM

(Awww, shucks thanks.)

—————————————————————–

I would like your can of soup. If you want me to I can explain why, but you might not care much so I guess I will wait and see what you say. What neighbs are you in? Oh god in the time I’ve tarried writing this, someone else could have already gotten the can of soup.

-LG

(I liked this frantic enthusiasm/panic for the soup, like a desperate need. So I requested more information.)

—————————————————————–
Thanks for the laugh!

-MR

(You’re welcome!)

—————————————————————–

hi is the soup can still available? is it really from 1997?

thanks

-JA

(Well, yes but it’s got a better offer.)

—————————————————————–
Hey! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

-ES

—————————————————————–

My message to panicked Soup Girl:

Me:“Oh my god tell me why you want the soup! It’s totally a competition.
Park Slope is the answer to your question.”

Soup Girl: Whoa while I should have been here waiting for my emails to arrive I had to take a horrible wind walk and then fall asleep.

So my friend L, a dear sweet soul who crafts happiness in others with the gentility of a doe and the righteousness of a Pope has decided to leave me for a long time to cure lepers or something like that. She and I both hail from Wisconsin. I don’t know if you heard, but just recently the Green Bay Packers, who are more loved by Laura than mere words can express, won another Super Bowl. To make the occasion of her departure all the more special for her, I would love nothing more than to present her with a can of her equally beloved Campbell’s ChixNoodle stamped with another year equally as great in which the Packers secured such a noble victory.

It is perfect: small enough it can travel with her, yet possible nourishing enough that if she gets stuck in a jungle with nothing but it and a can opener, she will be sustained for a while.

(Ok, so I heart soup girl because this shit cracked me up. The whole kit and caboodle, the Pope, the leapers, the Green Bay Packers, stuck in a jungle (on the way to Wisconsin?). All hilarious.)

I respond

Me: Well I find your story to be truly amazing and soup worthy! Let’s make the great soup exchange happen. What do your night’s look like this week? Or next Saturday morning?

Soup Girl: It’s Christmas in February (it was normal for parents to give only cans of soup for Christmas, right?). I could possibly do it tomorrow evening, but the best bets would be Thursday or Saturday. I can’t help but wonder how much free stuff you have, since you made a whole email address for it. Maybe it’s enough that you could get on that TV show about hoarders.

(Again, really funny.)

Me: Heh,
It’s true I have a lot of free stuff. I am trying to be the reverse of the hoarders.  I think Saturday works well. Can you come to the Tea Lounge in Park Slope on Union Street? I think morning or early afternoon could work for me.

Soup Girl: I don’t know it but I just google mapped it so now I feel like I do. I propose we shoot for 1pm because that’s a nice time for soup to exchange hands.

(Oh yeah, then I do the thing where I invite her to come help save the world. )

Me: Ok so I just found out I have to go save the world at 1pm on Saturday. Which is a lot of responsibility. However I am totally willing to meet you with soup while I save the world because I love to multi-task. And since you are a person of the female persuasion maybe you would want to save the world too? Here is the invite below. If not we can re-schedule. But feel free to come to this and bring all your progressive friends and what not. And we will meet on the steps of the Court House or something.

Soup Girl: How did I not know this was going down? Thank you, free/e. I shall try very hard to go to this thing, but this weekend is full of stupid blerggy friends who are moving away and lame stuff. I’ll let you know. Till then, you will save the world and all that don’t sweat it!

(No sense of stranger danger!)

Me: Great, if you think you can go maybe send me a text in the morning and I will put soup in my bag.
Wait, is your friend who requires the soup one of the people who is moving this weekend? That would be sad.
Have a fun weekend.

(So we couldn’t coordinate over the weekend. Plan B!)

Soup Girl: Hi E. Is there a time this evening when I could get the soup? I am perfectly happy to come down your way, I must go to target anyway.

Me: What does tomorrow (Monday) night look like?

Soup Girl: I’ll be back in bklyn around 5.30 tomorrow, and could make this go down, let me know. If you read these emails it would seem like we were strange email drug dealers or human traffickers.

Me: Excellent!
So you want an Asian girl, a Russian girl and a Mexican girl?
How’s Tea Lounge Between 6 and 7?
I will probably be reading in some dark corner.

Soup Girl: Excellent. I will bring the drugs. All of them.

Me: Great see you there!

—————————————————————–

So Soup Girl was very timely and very tall. I handed over the goods and asked about the photo op but she had already figured me out, of course there has got to be some catch to a “Free” can of soup from 1997, and there is! I take your photo with said can of soup. See Soup Girl below. I hope her best pal enjoys all the effort she went through for this soup!

Dead Baby Chicks

Well I know I for one love the colors yellow and florescent orange, but I went in a different direction with my place settings, which is obviously rainbows and sparkles. So while I do love these they are not rainbow or sparkly. I very specifically said I only want things with rainbows and sparkles and that I might consider unicorns or hula girls as a possibility too. But at no point did I say “Gee, you know what I would really like? I would like something made out of dead baby chicks. Could you make that for me?” But look that’s what I got, talk about communication problems. So I know that out there in the world there is the perfect home for these. Is that your home? Is this the hard to find “one of a kind” Holiday present that you have been searching to the ends of the earth for, to give to your boss or your mother-in-law? I think it might be! Tell me your story and they can be yours for the bargain price of FREE!

The set includes – 4 placemats, 4 coasters, 2 hot mats – these were clearly made with a lot of love in mind, I mean look at that up-close knit detailing. WOW! So if this works for you and you really, really want them and who wouldn’t, drop me a line and we can meet up.  I’m thinking Sunday November 14^th at a place conveniently located for me.

———————————————————————–

(So this one it was FLAGGED and REMOVED 3 times. I hate you all Craigslist Community. So I gave up pretty easily, which is unusual for me as I’m pretty persistent.)

———————————————————————–

Hello!
I saw your ad on Craig’s List. Those things are yellow, orange, and
definitely amazing!
I am the Creative Director for a company called Story Pirates. We are
shooting a short music video next week called “Sock Town” based on a
story written by a group of 3rd and 4th graders. Those knitted pieces
would be perfect for the video.
Let me know if they are still available. Thanks!
DC

(But in that short period of time I got one that had some promise. Turn these ugly things into puppets. Yes, please! So I meet up with him and encourage his creativity.)

————————————————————————–

well, there was a waste of a click

(So I guess this guy was not expecting Dead Baby Chick placemats and coasters.)

————————————————————————–

And here we have the winner of the dead baby chick placemat collection, Drew.

Drew’s company is called Story Pirates and he helps kids to see their stories come to life. Yay, Drew! Keep up the good work and make some awesome things out of these weird objects! Also check out his website and go see a show or send him some money or something – storypirates.org

Faerie Eradication Wanted

Most people don’t know that Faeries are actually really mean. Sure they look all sweet and innocent with their little wings and cute faces and shiny eyes but the truth about Faeries is that they bite and pinch and they cause general mischief around the yard and god help you if you get one in your house, you’ll soon see that your pair of socks only has one sock, you won’t be able to find the remote to the tv, the milk will be empty but still on the shelf in the refrigerator (see and you always thought that was your roommate). So now that I’ve told you all the ills of the Faerie kind don’t you kinda want one for your very own? Because I have one and maybe you need some additional mischief in your life? Who doesn’t like the occasional missing sock, it’s like a game of hide and seek.

She’s really rather adorable, she stands about 2 inches tall, she’s a redhead, with iridescent purple wings and a purple dress and she is waiting patiently on her mushroom to wreak havoc in your home. Don’t you kinda want her? She needs to go to a good home so drop me a line and tell me why your home is good enough for her and when you get her don’t blame me if you can’t find the tv remote.

I am able to meet up Saturday the 30th or Sunday the 31st somewhere in Brooklyn (Slope Most likely)(definitely not Williamsburg). Oh and if YOU can’t meet me don’t ask if you can have this faerie. But remember – with faeries comes great responsibility.

(So I knew this one was going to be a weird one because faerie people are kinda weird. I’m not gonna go as far as to say I was one at some point in the 90’s but clearly if I have a faerie bird bath/ash tray then I must have been into faeries more than not. Don’t judge me, I do that for myself enough already. Anyway I got some interesting responses and there was one person who really, really wanted this faerie (and she always wrote to me in 24 point type and in a color which I found doubly entertaining) and yet she could never make time to actually come meet me so I had to tell her to forget it, which is probably for the best because my friends told me she sounded like a psycho killer. Alas, I did enjoy her enthusiasm over this item. Enjoy!)

________________________________

u r 2 cute, stay blessed, jakiee

________________________________

Wow best free post ever. Had me guessing to the end.

(Guessing, what?)

________________________________

Me mum was a fairy.  Me pappy was a sea horse with peg fin.  They met
on a lonely, dark night outside of a Wal-mart.  The air was thick with
cat calls and smelled of raw talent.  Me pappy was hanging from a hood
ornament drunk as a sea skunk when me mum fluttered by with a naughty look in her
eye.  She was high on pixie dust and mistook him for a fully loaded hotdog.
2.3 seconds later I was conceived.  Me mum pooped me out right there in the parking lot in
between an oil spill and broken Snapple bottle.  And then she
abandoned me!  I was forced to sell my body to escaped
lab rats in order to survive. I contracted Hepatitis Z.  The kind
that gives you teeth and finger nails in your anus.  Every time
I poop its like chewing toffee at the broadwalk.  When I got older I
got a job in marketing.  That turned out ok but I still think about
my days back in the walmart parking lot rolling with rats covered in
sores and cotton candy, at least I think it was cotton candy.
So if you give me this fairy I will smash it!!  Just like I smash all
fairies.  I will video the smashing and post it on my blog
fairysmashatblogspotdotcom.  One day me mum will learn to use the
internet and she will know my pain.  She will know the depth my hatred for all fairies.
This little fairy won’t be stealing any socks.  Oh no!  She will die.  I don’t care how loud you
clap! Clap until your little hands bleed!  Thus to all fairies!

~Fairy Smasher

(Now I have to say I did love the Fairy Smasher but the idea of this poor little faerie laying dead on the sidewalk made me too sad to give it to the Fairy Smasher. But keep up the good work!)

________________________________

hhihi   i  have alot of fairy frends im really  close and good with  them  ill  send some  pics  ok would love to have it  for a  frend  named  tink

-ww

(This is the beginning of the really crazy responses.)

______________________________

i fergot to mention  mostly  tink is really nice and sweet  but giggle sumtimes  she does get a lil  naughty  mostly wenn shes alone  with  peter  any wayy  by the way im in the brooklyn  mermaids n polar bear clubs  live  in brighton beach   i have  yahoo yim to  chat u  can add  me  i have alot of hobbies love to  cook  n bake  cookies fer  frends  all kinds  of giggle cookies  mushrooooomeey ones to    love to  sail  my frend hasa  big sailboat  in  sheepshead  bay we teach  sailing to  the students  n  boat  repairs  iff u  come acroos  any  tools  /drills  /sanders n  stuff  would  be greatly  apreciated  love to  swim  n  shop  to

-ww

(#2 and they just keep getting better and she includes photos of faeries and crap in each email.)

________________________________

i fergot to leaVE MY NUMBER AT FRENDS HOUSE IN BRIGHTON   1***-***-****  ANYWAY U REALLY NEED TO MAKE ALOWWANCES  FOR  FAIRYS  AND THER COUSINS  LEPRECHAUNS  N  NICE  GEMLINS    N  OTHERS  I HAVE ALOT OF FRENDS ALLOVER I CHAT TO ON Y I M  SOME  R  FURRIES SOME GOTHS  SOME WICANS  N  RAINBOW  FOLKS  I  M  NICE TO ALL N THERE NICE TO  ME  WERE GONA HAVE  OUR  NEW YEARS  SWIM IN I DEC  N MAYBE  ASOLCTICE  GATHERING  ON DEC 21  YOUR WELCOME  TO  COME  IN CONEYISLAND  🙂

-ww

(#3 in all caps, 24pt type and pink, just keeps getting better!)

________________________________

What a lovely little Faerie! The faeries I currently share my space with are quite elusive! Perhaps of I introduce this little one I may see more of the others!  May I please have her. One look and I was smitten!
Thanks
M

(See faerie people, kinda special.)

________________________________

Ill take her
CM

(Nope, your actually not crazy enough.)

_______________________________

hihi  yayyyyyyyyyyyyy         illtell tink  right away  shes  got  a  new  housemate  shell  be  tikled  pink  ill  ask  frend  from the  ymha  iff he  can pick it  up  next  cupple  days  ?  maybe thursday  let me  know  if/wenn / its conveniyant  for you  il tell  tink  to  tell peter  and the  boys  they have  a new  frend  coming thell  be  thrilled
-ww

(#4 still better and the spelling!)

________________________________

hihi its tuesday morning  bout  10am  ill be  in till  1pm  my frend sed  hell pick  up  our new house  mate wenever  its good fer  u    let  me know  ok   thankeees /p.s  ill give u his email wenn i hear back from u  ok

-ww

(#5 she wants me to meet her friend and give him the faerie but that’s not how this works)

________________________________

hi its  really hard for me to  get away  this weeks  jewish holidays  realatives  will be here all week visiting and  i have  school classes n  the ymha  lunches n day care    my frend sed he can meet at the  closest  subway stop  /q? or f lines

-ww

(#6 in pink)

________________________________
How much is she?I think she just might fit through the faerie door I just bought.

(She’s free but you can’t read so you don’t get her.)

________________________________

ok  but started  partime classes  and  still have alot of work at y  message me wenn u can

-ww

(#7 she won’t make time to meet me for her free faerie.)

________________________________

hi i just got in from work   need to be at work tomorro  till late  i  can ask my frend iff she can pickup  let  me know thank you

-ww

(#8 still trying to get the friend to come get the faerie even though I already said no.)

________________________________

was out of town staying with  relatives  sorry it diddnt work out  maybee it wasnt meant to be  any  way  tell the fairy i sed  hi  and hope she has a nice  home  and happy times and best  of  luck

-ww

(#9 I am feeling really close to her right now. Um, no. So I told her if she couldn’t meet me then I couldn’t give her the faerie. She was sad over this outcome.)

________________________________

Please contact me.  Thanks

(What? No. Spam probably.)

________________________________

hello,

I saw your ad for the very pretty red head faerie. mischief in my house is normal, missing socks, keys, milk, and shoe just some of the few things we have lost. when I say we I have many friends that she will be able to play with, a baby, a cat, a ghost, turtles, a inside garden and even some birds she can terrorize. I have the perfect spot in my garden for her where she will be able to fill more at home, and if she wishes to cause some mischief it will not be any displeasing and her antics will be enjoyed.

please let me know, I would love to have another in my growing family.
you can call me at ***-***-****or email me

(And the winner is! This lady – kinda weird but not super scary weird. She came from the Bronx which is like an hour and a half on the train to get the faerie and I think I made the right choice. While she was covered in blood (fake) she at no point tried to cover me in my own blood. Enjoy your new home faerie!)

The Eye of the Tiger

I think Survivor said it best:

“It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the cream of the fight
Risin’ up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the tiger”

Check this piece of awesomeness out.
It’s a TIGER and it’s a TEAPOT!
What but how can that be? You ask.
It’s true. It holds 3 cups of liquid and then you can pour it out of the tigers paw.
How freaking cool is that!
My god, amazing. Now all you have to do is be like Rocky Balboa and beat out that rival Russian who wants your TIGER TEAPOT. Then you can run up those stairs and raise your Tiger Trophy to the sky and sit down and have tea at 4. Hopefully you can go 10 Rounds. Good luck champ!

I will meet you in Park Slope Wednesday the 18^th or Friday the 20^th.

—————————————————–

Subject: TEAPOT

hey i really want the teapot, but i can only meet up in queens, is that possible?
Please let me know-***-***-****. Thank you.

(Queens? I’m sorry am I going to the airport? I do not go to Queens unless you are flying me on some tropical adventure where I can see actual big cats. And yes I know tigers don’t live in tropical areas but that’s where I want to go. I will settle for seeing a Puma or an Ocelot or something.)

—————————————————–

Subject: yo Adrian

lemme get that tiger pouring thing, eh?

cheesesteaks,

km

(Oh, now we’re getting somewhere. And I think I would like to begin signing all my correspondences with Cheesesteaks, I thank you for that.)

—————————————————–
Subject: Tiger

I can’t pick up the Tiger but I just wanted to say that that is the funniest, and the best ad I’ve read in a very long time. Kudos to whoever came up with the concept. you should be in marketing ..no kidding. I really enjoyed your ad. Good luck with ” The Eye of The Tiger”

T

(Well make me an offer that I can’t refuse then buddy. You got a job for me?)

—————————————————–

Subject: The Eye of the Tiger

My wife loves it Please call me
(***) ***-****
joe
Thanks !

(If your wife wants it that bad she can write me herself. Maybe she’ll be better at it.)

—————————————————–

Subject: The Eye of the Tiger

im interested in the eye of the tiger awesomeness if its available.

ASL

(It’s true it is awesome.)

—————————————————–
Subject: Tiger Teapot

Oh my god.

you must be a crazy person to be giving that thing away…

its like giving away a bag of american flags to a terrorist or sumthin like that.

I wish to have it so that I may present it to my girlfriend for being a crazy tiger.

she will love it!

Next fri is best for me,  lwmmw knoq.

– A

(Ohhhh yes I think you are the one! This made me laugh actually out loud. Like for real LOL. And it’s true I probably would give away a bag of American Flags but I would make people write something funny about why they want them and stuff and patriotism would not be the winner.)

—————————————————–

Subject: The Eye of the Tiger
Are you seriously giving this away??  I’ll take it.

-WB

(Seriously, I am. And no, you won’t)

—————————————————–

Subject: Tiger
I think the TIGER TEAPOT is great.  I would love to take care of the tiger if I managed to beat out the rival.  I could meet you on Wed. the 18th.

Thank you,

RS – home – ***-***-****

I would need to arrange Access A Ride at least by the day before the pick up.

(Oh dear, I have a soft spot for the elderly and the disabled but I’m just not feeling this one. Plus it sounds like it would be too much trouble to get to me and then I would want to go bring it to her directly because I would feel bad and I just don’t have time for that, maybe next time when I have a macramé owl or something to give away she could have that.)

—————————————————–

Subject: Eye of the Tiger
Stripeed tea, tiger purrs,

Tea-thank you,

-EM

(Almost a haiku? I liked it none the less.)

—————————————————–

Subject: Tiger
I would LOVE this Tiger

-MM

(Would you?)

—————————————————–

Subject: Tiger

Hi,

Your description was awesome!!! If this is Free & is still available, I would
love to have it…Wednesday, you name the time & place…Thanks!

-MV

(I will name the time and place but alas I will not be telling when and where that is.)

—————————————————–
Subject: Eye of the Tiger
Hi!
I am interested in your tea pot if it’s still available. I could meet you either the 18th or the 20th.
Thanks!
AW

(Oh good, another person with a life of leisure like myself? I don’t think so! I want my tiger to go to a home where that person has a job so they can put fancy tea in this tiger.)

—————————————————–

Subject: Grrrreat
Oh, how I love tigers! Im available for p/u anytime on Friday, let me know what time works best for you.
Thanks alot,
NE
(I will be napping most of the day so how about after that?)

—————————————————–

Subject: Eye of the Tiger
Is it still available?

Please say it is!

🙂

Thanks,

KK

(Yes. There I said it.)

—————————————————–

Subject: Eye of the Tiger
Oh my oh my I hope it’s not yet taken!
I can pick it up ASAP! 🙂 i live in windsor terrace!
let me know! thanks!

LA

(So many exclamation points!!!!)

—————————————————–

Subject: Tiger
I want this

I want it bad

Let me know

DB

(Enthusiasm is always appreciated. But not always rewarded.)

—————————————————–

Subject: Tiger
Hey,

Your tiger is so frickin’ awesome!  I would love to have that, as I’m
sure it’s a great conversation starter or maintainer… But wow, I
just fell in love with that little tiger’s face and the fact that
liquid comes out of the paw… Just tell me a time you’re available
and I’d love to come pick it up!

STH
(Ok you don’t suck. And you seem to have trouble in social situations and you could use my tigers assistance. I will put you in the runner up category.)

—————————————————–
Subject:
id like to pick it up on Wednesday!!!
-MM

(Oops. Wednesday has come and gone. So sad for you.)

—————————————————–

Subject: YO
Yo Paulie!

Think I got a shot at that tiger pot yo?

Well, after your sister Adrienne and me went da zoo, I was kinda inspired. My place ain’t all dat nice but dat tea pot brings some real class you know???

Sure, I can meet you on Wed or Fri – don’t bother me none 😉

Lata!
-MUK
(Funny. I gives you a maybe, sport.)

—————————————————–

Subject: Tiger
Did someone already claim this teapot?

-HK

(Not exactly, no.)

—————————————————–

Subject: rawr
I want that teapot!  =D

This Wednesday in Park Slope would be great (I’m on 5th st and 4th ave.)

—
“A little less conversation, a little more action please.” – Elvis Presley

(Nope. But as soon as I get my hands on a Elvis clock with swinging hips it’s all yours.)

—————————————————–

Subject: I canz has tigr pot

Iz a lil’ tigr pot

short & stoutz

grab me by teh tailz

but mai snout’s not mai spoutz

Cuz if u tip me ovr,

mai paw pours teh tea outz!

o plz o pls–i can haz?!

tigr tea potz for meeeez!

kthxbye
-SL

(You rhymez better than Dr. Seuss and he is one of my all time favorites. I mean snout and stout and spout.  I putz you on the short list because I like rhymes.)

_________________________________________

Subject: Tiger Tea Pot

It is true that I was raised by a cat named Corduroy Kitten, and that he often spoke to me in the most stylish and grammatically creative sentences I have ever heard. It is also true that as an infant I rejected a bottle full of anything but Earl Grey tea, half a teaspoon of sugar. These are not, however, the reasons I must have the tiger teapot. The reason I must have the tiger teapot is a much more fantastical story, and shall follow in the next several lines.

When I was just six years old, I dreamt of a tiger who spoke only in rhyme. I encountered him under a Wollemi pine tree while collecting beechnuts one fine whirligigerous afternoon.

His words will forever stay in my head:

I had a child of the wood

Gracious she stood

In ferocious delight

Of the most dangerous night

A wild beast on her did spy

A plan hatched to steal her cry

And although she climbed high

It was not within her to fly

A tiger of the wood, she was

Gone that day to a most evil beast

Remorseless, no heart in the least

And so I lost her, my tiger of the wood

But you I shall adopt

Since in the wood you have stopped

Of my selfishness I am aware

But I own this wooded land

And my will you shall bear

So now my child, stand

My tiger daughter you shall be

Now come inside

And have some tea

——–

So now you see why I must have the tiger teapot, as the adopted daughter of a mother tiger. In her manner of speaking I will explain myself one more time:

The tiger teapot I must exclusively own

Since out of the woods I was thrown

With memories only of my tiger mother’s tea

I beg you please

To bring it to me

(And so we have a clear winner, the effort, the content, the poetry and so we met on a sunny Saturday afternoon and she’s charming and so like a tiger, impulsive, vivacious, and dynamic. This tiger tea pot will live happily ever after with the girl raised by tigers. Enjoy Tiger Girl!)

“The Ugly Plate”

How do you let a loved one know that you are mad at them or that they have wronged you in some way? Well, when you make them breakfast, lunch or dinner you serve it to them on “The Ugly Plate”. It gets the point across quite quickly. They will know that some injustice has been preformed against you and they will have to shape up or ship out.  Unfortunately for me I have used “The Ugly Plate” one too many times and now I am out of friends and loved ones.  So now I will give away “The Ugly Plate” and rebuild my friend network. But first please get this thing out of my house!

Can meet in Park Slope Thursday August 12 between 3 and 6ish.

———————————————————-

that’s awsome.

-ZY

———————————————————-

I love this master piece, I am very interested!

-JS

(Masterpiece is one word, are you unfamiliar with the popular TV show Masterpiece Theater? But I’m glad you love it.)

———————————————————-

that was really funny! Thanks for the laugh. You have a great sense of humor. I am sure you will have no problem finding new friends 🙂

-S

(Ohhh thanks!)

———————————————————-

I’m surprised you never tried to serve me a dutch baby on that thing.
-BG

(I am surprised too!)

———————————————————-

I’ll buy you dinner in exchange for The Ugly Plate

Maybe you’ll make a new friend

-ED

(Ummm did this guy just ask me out? I think he is looking in the wrong section on Craigslist maybe M seeking W? Or Casual Encounters?)

———————————————————-

I need it!  My best friend and roommate got me arrested three nights ago!  Again!  Now I am not going back to college.  I need my vengeance; I need this plate.  Do you still have it? I can come get it on the 12th.

LD

(Oh my god, her roommate got her arrested, AGAIN.  This is it, the winner of the Ugly Plate. I need to hear this story.)

———————————————————-

Hi! is the plate still available? If yes email me, and I will meet up with you
thank you!
-no

(It’s funny that this persons initials are n.o. I think that pretty much sums it up.)

———————————————————-

That’s cool, people just don’t like the truth cindy

(I didn’t really understand this one because the e-mailer’s name was not Cindy.)

———————————————————-

hilarious!
that plate would certainly douse an appetite!
-ES

———————————————————-

i will be by methodist hospital on Friday at 2 pm if you can wait thanks

-PartyGal

(Hmmm maybe party gal should go to ArrestedGal’s party then we could talk.)

———————————————————-

Hi,
What a beautiful plate is it!  I would love to take it!
Who said it’s “The Ugly Plate”?
She looks like me!  I’ll take care of her well, enjoy to use her well.
Please give  her to me!

I live in Park Slope, and I’m off on Thursday!  perfect to pick her up! (such a fate to get her!!!)

Hope to hear from you.

-KK

(While it’s true that I was wildly tempted to e-mail this girl and ask her for a photo to confirm her likeness to “The Ugly Plate” I had already pretty much decided to go with ArrestedGal.)

———————————————————-

O Hai!

i saw uz haz an ugli plate! O yay! Cuz I has an ugli. I can haz ugli plat? Iz also has a flavr! Soon iz haz an ugli plate, plz?

KTHXBYE

lolz!

-AY

(While I was utterly charmed by the use of lolcat speech and the effort that it takes to write it sadly this is not my winner. But as soon as I find the poster from Scholastic of the kitten on a branch that says “Hang In There” I will contact this writer and offer it up.)

———————————————————-

I know someone who looks like the person on the ugly plate, therefore when they finish their food they’ll think I served them on a mirror.

(This one also made me laugh and it made me wonder if she knows KK from two emails up. That would be pretty funny.)

———————————————————-

please tell me i can still have this!!!
-GM

(NO.)

———————————————————-
it is pretty ugly though.
-R

(Yes, yes it is. Thank you for your observation)

———————————————————-

So that it’s I chose the lovely contestant who’s roommate got her arrested and subsequently kicked out of school. I hope “The Ugly Plate” serves her well (ha) and that she finds many new friends and that those friends aren’t wearing orange jumpsuits and asking her for a pack of smokes.

Here she is! She was not what I expected a girl of multiple arrests to look like.

The Ugly Plate

How do you let a loved one know that you are mad at them or that they have wronged you in some way? Well, when you make them breakfast, lunch or dinner you serve it to them on “The Ugly Plate”. It gets the point across quite quickly. They will know that some injustice has been preformed against you and they will have to shape up or ship out.  Unfortunately for me I have used “The Ugly Plate” one too many times and now I am out of friends and loved ones.  So now I will give away “The Ugly Plate” and rebuild my friend network. But first please get this thing out of my house!

Can meet in Park Slope Thursday August 12 between 3 and 6ish.

———————————————————-

that’s awsome.

-ZY

———————————————————-

I love this master piece, I am very interested!

-JS

(Masterpiece is one word, are you unfamiliar with the popular TV show Masterpiece Theater? But I’m glad you love it.)

———————————————————-

that was really funny! Thanks for the laugh. You have a great sense of humor. I am sure you will have no problem finding new friends 🙂

-S

(Ohhh thanks!)

———————————————————-

I’m surprised you never tried to serve me a dutch baby on that thing.
-BG

(I am surprised too!)

———————————————————-

I’ll buy you dinner in exchange for The Ugly Plate

Maybe you’ll make a new friend

-ED

(Ummm did this guy just ask me out? I think he is looking in the wrong section on Craigslist maybe M seeking W? Or Casual Encounters?)

———————————————————-

I need it!  My best friend and roommate got me arrested three nights ago!  Again!  Now I am not going back to college.  I need my vengeance; I need this plate.  Do you still have it? I can come get it on the 12th.

LD

(Oh my god, her roommate got her arrested, AGAIN.  This is it, the winner of the Ugly Plate. I need to hear this story.)

———————————————————-

Hi! is the plate still available? If yes email me, and I will meet up with you
thank you!
-no

———————————————————-

That’s cool, people just don’t like the truth cindy

(I didn’t really understand this one because the e-mailer’s name was not Cindy.)

———————————————————-

hilarious!
that plate would certainly douse an appetite!
-ES

———————————————————-

i will be by methodist hospital on Friday at 2 pm if you can wait thanks

-PartyGal

(Hmmm maybe party gal should go to ArrestedGal’s party then we could talk.)

———————————————————-

Hi,
What a beautiful plate is it!  I would love to take it!
Who said it’s “The Ugly Plate”?
She looks like me!  I’ll take care of her well, enjoy to use her well.
Please give  her to me!

I live in Park Slope, and I’m off on Thursday!  perfect to pick her up! (such a fate to get her!!!)

Hope to hear from you.

-KK
(While it’s true that I was wildly tempted to e-mail this girl and ask her for a photo to confirm her likeness to “The Ugly Plate” I had already pretty much decided to go with ArrestedGal.)

———————————————————-

O Hai!

i saw uz haz an ugli plate! O yay! Cuz I has an ugli. I can haz ugli plat? Iz also has a flavr! Soon iz haz an ugli plate, plz?

KTHXBYE

lolz!

-AY
(While I was utterly charmed by the use of lolcat speech and the effort that it takes to write it sadly this is not my winner. But as soon as I find the poster from Scholastic of the kitten on a branch that says “Hang In There” I will contact this writer and offer it up.)

———————————————————-

I know someone who looks like the person on the ugly plate, therefore when they finish their food they’ll think I served them on a mirror.

(This one also made me laugh and it made me wonder if she knows KK from two emails up. That would be pretty funny.)

———————————————————-

please tell me i can still have this!!!
-GM

(NO.)

———————————————————-
it is pretty ugly though.
-R

(Yes, yes it is. Thank you for your observation)

———————————————————-

So that it’s I chose the lovely contestant who’s roommate got her arrested and subsequently kicked out of school. I hope “The Ugly Plate” serves her well (ha) and that she finds many new friends and that those friends aren’t wearing orange jumpsuits and asking her for a pack of smokes.

Here she is!

Do You Have Armadillo Skin and Look Good in Brown?

In 1994 my best friend Muffy was dating this loser idiot who use to like to wear her clothes, I guess you could say he was a hipster before what we now know as today’s hipster.  Anyway one day he is wearing her favorite brown and white cardigan sweater fondly named “Mr.Sweater”. Well for some reason the loser idiot boyfriend puts “Mr.Sweater” on the roof of the car and drives off thus loosing “Mr.Sweater” forever! Personally I thought she should break up with the loser idiot right then and there because clearly losing “Mr.Sweater” is an unforgivable crime in a relationship but it went on for another couple of months.

A few months after what we now refer to as the sweater incident and loser idiot boyfriend is long gone I found what I thought would be a good replacement for “Mr.Sweater” and it was around Christmas so I bought Muffy this Brown Llama Sweater. It’s so cute and brown and it has LLAMAS on it. Who doesn’t like llamas? Llamas are really smart.

Well let me sum it up for you. 16 years later this Llama sweater is hanging in my closet (she gave it back to me) where it has been for about 5 years. It’s basically never been worn because it is MADE OF LLAMA HAIR. It is quite possibly the scratchiest thing you could put next to your skin other than a real llama or maybe some sand paper. I personally always felt bad that Muffy didn’t love this sweater as much as I wanted her to but I get it. So hopefully you have skin like an armadillo and you look awesome in brown and you are a size small. Oh and it’s also helpful if you love Llamas. Because then this is your DREAM SWEATER.

Drop me a line if you want it. Can meet in Brooklyn or Manhattan Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.

——————————————————————
Hi,

I can meet you in Manhattan for the sweater.  It looks very nice!

Thanks,

S

(Not good enough.)

——————————————————————

That would be perfect for my mom! She wrote a children’s book called
Is Your Mama a Llama? so anything with llamas is perfect for her.

I’ll be in Chelsea tonight from 5:30-10.

Thanks!
J

(Um, ok I am a little excited that his mom wrote the Llama book. Maybe he will trade a book for the sweater. He’s in the running!)

——————————————————————

Hi,

I’m interested in the llama sweater…I like to give it to my girl friend who likes llamas a lot, she even likes a band high llamas and Dalai Lama.The sweater’s design is very pretty,too.

Thank you.
RC

(Ok, not bad. Nice pull with the Dalai Lama and the Llama band.)

——————————————————————

uh, i actually am an armadillo, and it’s taken me some considerable pains to type this message out to you.
i’d love to meet you at the morgan l train stop next week to pick it up.

KID AKIMBO

(This guy is famous or something and also a hipster who seems to live in Williamsburg, I am not going to Williamsburg. But since he claims he is actually an armadillo and that made me laugh very hard he might be in the running.)

——————————————————————

Hi!

I saw your hilarious ad and Im interested in the llama sweater. I’d
like to meet in Brooklyn anytime that is convenient for you. Please
call me at (***)***-****

Thank You,
S

——————————————————————
I love llamas. And brown. And will figure out how to deal with the
scratch factor. Because I love llamas that much. Cute piece. I have a
bag of clothes I’m looking to donate – you’re welcome to rifle through
them if you’d like. I can meet any time on Wednesday. Let me know,
thanks!

—
_jle..e `*`

(Pretty sure that I don’t want to trade my scratchy llama sweater for your random bag of clothes. But thank you for that thought.)

——————————————————————

aah!!

i need this! i want this! i don’t care if i rip my skin off whilst wearing it!
i’m in brooklyn! let’s make it happen! ahhh!!!!

oh. and have a great day!

QL

(Enthusiasm and masochism, I like it!)

——————————————————————

hey,

I just read your ad on craigslist for the llama sweater and was cracking up. funniest thing i’ve read all week. If i had “armadillo” skin i would definitely buy it.\
thanks for the good humor 🙂

GL

(Why thank you.)

——————————————————————

I will take your llama sweater.  It looks pretty awesome and I know the perfect person to give it to.  Let me know when I can pick it up.
Thanks,
P

(No, I don’t think so. I spent 15 minutes writing my ad maybe you should rethink your needy response.)

——————————————————————

ha  Wearing something that feels like sand paper  I don’t think so.  How about something more silky  and sexy  lol

TM

(Umm, what? Are you hitting on my llama sweater? Weird.)

——————————————————————

Ahh maan..I want it! Can I have it?? Where in bk you be?

Cheers Mate!

R

(Way too needy man. Is that how you would talk to Santa if you were asking for a Red Ryder BB Gun?)

—————————————————————–

(So I chose Josh because his mom wrote the book “Is Your Mama a Llama.” and he sounds cool. )

Josh,
You seem interesting to me and you want to give the scratchy sweater to your mom who wrote an awesome book. I think that is very nice or maybe it’s super mean since it really is a very scratchy sweater (wait do you hate your mom? and rather than going to therapy you are giving her this sweater?)(kidding). Um so can I get a free copy of the llama book? That’d be cool and a fun trade. I love childrens books. So I am heading out of town for the weekend but I can meet you with awesome brown llama sweater of scratchiness next Tuesday? Chelsea or Union Square works for me. What’d ya say Josh?

Sincerely,
FreeStuff

(So Josh totally flaked on me so I re-posted and got a good one.)

————————————————————-

(WINNER)

Hi! I loved your story, and the sweater even more.  My brother had a
traumatic incident with a llama, so I’d love to surprise him with it!
I’m in Brooklyn, and can definately meet on Wednesday between 8 – 9 to
pick it up.

( I couldn’t resist choosing this one for three reasons Llama and Trauma rhyme, I really want to hear her story and she is a woman and they tend to be more reliable then dudes when it comes to actually meeting up with you and getting their free item, sorry guys but it’s true.)

————————————————

Lmao I was gonna write and tell you how funny and honest your story was and I showed it to my daughter and she loved both the story and the sweater!anyway if its still available we`d love it,and thanks so much for the story behind it lol
Ps the sweater is adorable!

–sf

__________________________________________

(Oh and anyway it was flagged and removed moments after it was posted as per usual. Jerks.)

——————————————————-

So I chose Sarah to get the Llama Sweater and she even said “Aw, it’s not THAT scratchy.” I disagree but that’s just my opinion and I do not have armadillo skin! She also told me the very funny childhood story of her brother receiving his first hickey at the age of 12 from a llama at a petting zoo.  I am sure when she wears this sweater to family events it will bring back that fond memory for him! See Sarah below and also I found the original owner of the sweater my BFF Muffy wearing the sweater on Christmas morning of 1998! She looked so happy about it then.

Do You Have Armadillo Skin and Look Good in Brown?

In 1994 my best friend Muffy was dating this loser idiot who use to like to wear her clothes, I guess you could say he was a hipster before what we now know as today’s hipster.  Anyway one day he is wearing her favorite brown and white cardigan sweater fondly named “Mr.Sweater”. Well for some reason the loser idiot boyfriend puts “Mr.Sweater” on the roof of the car and drives off thus loosing “Mr.Sweater” forever! Personally I thought she should break up with the loser idiot right then and there because clearly losing “Mr.Sweater” is an unforgivable crime in a relationship but it went on for another couple of months.

A few months after what we now refer to as the sweater incident and loser idiot boyfriend is long gone I found what I thought would be a good replacement for “Mr.Sweater” and it was around Christmas so I bought Muffy this Brown Llama Sweater. It’s so cute and brown and it has LLAMAS on it. Who doesn’t like llamas? Llamas are really smart.

Well let me sum it up for you. 16 years later this Llama sweater is hanging in my closet (she gave it back to me) where it has been for about 5 years. It’s basically never been worn because it is MADE OF LLAMA HAIR. It is quite possibly the scratchiest thing you could put next to your skin other than a real llama or maybe some sand paper. I personally always felt bad that Muffy didn’t love this sweater as much as I wanted her to but I get it. So hopefully you have skin like an armadillo and you look awesome in brown and you are a size small. Oh and it’s also helpful if you love Llamas. Because then this is your DREAM SWEATER.

Drop me a line if you want it. Can meet in Brooklyn or Manhattan Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.

——————————————————————

Hi,

I can meet you in Manhattan for the sweater.  It looks very nice!

Thanks,

S

(Not good enough.)

——————————————————————

That would be perfect for my mom! She wrote a children’s book called
Is Your Mama a Llama? so anything with llamas is perfect for her.

I’ll be in Chelsea tonight from 5:30-10.

Thanks!
J

(Um, ok I am a little excited that his mom wrote the Llama book. Maybe he will trade a book for the sweater. He’s in the running!)

——————————————————————

Hi,

I’m interested in the llama sweater…I like to give it to my girl friend who likes llamas a lot, she even likes a band high llamas and Dalai Lama.The sweater’s design is very pretty,too.

Thank you.

RC

(Ok, not bad. Nice pull with the Dalai Lama and the Llama band.)

——————————————————————

uh, i actually am an armadillo, and it’s taken me some considerable pains to type this message out to you.
i’d love to meet you at the morgan l train stop next week to pick it up.

KID AKIMBO

(This guy is famous or something and also a hipster who seems to live in Williamsburg, I am not going to Williamsburg. But since he claims he is actually an armadillo and that made me laugh very hard he might be in the running.)

——————————————————————

Hi!

I saw your hilarious ad and Im interested in the llama sweater. I’d
like to meet in Brooklyn anytime that is convenient for you. Please
call me at (***)***-****

Thank You,
S

——————————————————————

I love llamas. And brown. And will figure out how to deal with the
scratch factor. Because I love llamas that much. Cute piece. I have a
bag of clothes I’m looking to donate – you’re welcome to rifle through
them if you’d like. I can meet any time on Wednesday. Let me know,
thanks!

—
_jle..e `*`

(Pretty sure that I don’t want to trade my scratchy llama sweater for your random bag of clothes. But thank you for that thought)

——————————————————————

aah!!

i need this! i want this! i don’t care if i rip my skin off whilst wearing it!
i’m in brooklyn! let’s make it happen! ahhh!!!!

oh. and have a great day!

QL

(Enthusiasm and masochism, I like it!)

——————————————————————

hey,

I just read your ad on craigslist for the llama sweater and was cracking up. funniest thing i’ve read all week. If i had “armadillo” skin i would definitely buy it.\
thanks for the good humor 🙂

GL

(Why thank you.)

——————————————————————

I will take your llama sweater.  It looks pretty awesome and I know the perfect person to give it to.  Let me know when I can pick it up.
Thanks,
P

(No, I don’t think so. I spent 15 minutes writing my ad maybe you should rethink your needy response.)

——————————————————————

ha  Wearing something that feels like sand paper  I don’t think so.  How about something more silky  and sexy  lol

TM

(Umm, what? Are you hitting on my llama sweater? Weird.)

——————————————————————

Ahh maan..I want it! Can I have it?? Where in bk you be?

Cheers Mate!

R

(Way too needy man. Is that how you would talk to Santa if you were asking for a Red Ryder BB Gun?)

——————————————————————

Surely You Jest

I have this beautiful black and silver tiny ceramic mask which is actually from Italy (though it might just be from the airport gift shop) up for grabs. It is so beautifully amazing that it is overpowering all the other ceramic masks in my ceramic mask collection and thus making them feel bad and no one likes a sad clown so I am moving it along. If you think it would fit in better with your collection of circus décor please let me know and I will make arrangements to meet you. Also if you could say a little more than a greedy “I want it!” “Is it still available?” “Can pick up!” I really appreciate somewhat personalized responses.

The dime is to show scale but you don’t get the dime, just the mask.

Can meet in Park Slope at the beginning of next week.

————————————————————–

I love beautiful things and this mask strikes me as a beautiful, “mysterious” clown, not a sad clown.

You might want to reconsider keeping this exotic, woman of mystery mask.

(This made me laugh out loud. I don’t want the mask thus posting it for free on CL, but thanks.)

————————————————————–

Hi !!!   I’m really interested how can I  take it !
My name is Gleice , my phone is  ***-***-****    I am available for pick up at any time. Thanks!
God Bless YOU!!!

(God bless me!)

————————————————————–

I saw your ad in craigslist for that gorgeous mask
I will be in manhattan on monday around 3pm. Can i pick it up then?

NR

(Well she has fallen for my ploy that this is a “gorgeous” item.)

————————————————————–

would-love-to-have-them.

***-***-****

m

(Yawn.)

————————————————————–

Hallo,

It doesn’t matter to me if it’s a clown, jester or actually from Italia. I agree whole-heartedly…it’s AMAZING!! And I’d like to claim it. Is it still available et cetera? Kindly advise. Thanks.

A

————————————————————–

Hi:

This would be a nice gift for a girlfriend. Where can we meet for pickup ?

RSVP
K

(For a girlfriend that you don’t have? A girl that you haven’t met yet? Yes, I agree that this would be a “nice gift” especially if you give it to her on a first date, I think that could lead to many, many dates which are probably taking place in your basement.)

————————————————————–

I would love to claim it. Please call S @ ***-***-**** if still available for pick up.

Thanks.

————————————————————–
Hi,
have your beautiful mask found a new owner yet?
If not, please let me know, my mother-in-law would love to have it,
she collects…
thanks, A

————————————————————–

I’m interested…

js

————————————————————–

When/where to pickup tonight after 9p?
I want it for my mom, UES here

carlos
***-***-****

————————————————————–

Good afternoon, I was wondering if the mask was still available and if so when is a good time to meet.

Thank you,

AV

————————————————————–

Could you tell me where you are located and what the measurements are?  Thank you

CW

(Did you see the dime?)

————————————————————–

If it is still available I would love to take your black and silver tiny ceramic mask off your hands – my girlfriend has a whole wall of clown and mardi gras mask and I would love to give her this one also.

MR

(Tiny mask to a home full of other masks! This could be the one.)

————————————————————–

hi. i’d love to use it in my classroom.
I  can pick up at your  most convenient time since our public school  is also in your area. we’re located at ———–

Thanks so much

JG

(Clown school classroom? If you said Clown school I totally would have given it to you.)

————————————————————–

Hi, if still available may I have it?  It’s beautiful.  Thank you.

LS

————————————————————–

Hi.

I am writing in response to your ad on Craigslist regarding the mask. I’m not going to give you my life story, just a little as to why the mask is important to me. My boyfriend and I met a year ago in India. He is from NY and I am from Italy, although lived in the U.K up until recently. We worked out that we had both been in Venice at the same time a couple of years ago, although we did not know each other. Then, when he came to stay with me in London my mother was showing him family photographs and he pointed himself out in one from Venice!

Since then we have treasured the idea of Venice as a symbol of our relationship and have wanted to put up some Carnevale masks in our new apartment but all of mine are in the U.K, and fragile to ship.

Thus, I would love to pick up your mask and stop being so sentimental over email and save it for my boyfriend.

I look forward to hearing from you,

my number is ***-***-****

Thanks,

AG

(It sounds made up. But how can such cheese be made up? I mean my story is made up too, so why shouldn’t I give her this so she can start a new collection of really ugly things, oh er I mean awesome masks.)

————————————————————–

Hi:

I am interested in the mask.  Is it still available?

Thanks,

Ann Marie

Hello, my name is sharnice
I am interested in the clown face…
If  it’s still available,,,, I would love to take it off your hands!!! Please feel free to contact me
@: ***-***-****

Thanks!!!
–sexyson1

————————————————————–

My girlfriend collects clown masks and would love to add that to her collection.  Are they still available?

Cheers,

D

————————————————————–

I don’t actually want the ceramic mask but I just had to say thank you for the laugh. Your post is hilarious. I hope someone takes the mask soon so your other masks can be happy again.

————————————————————–
I would love your mask if it is available. where are you located and i am happy to come by!
thanks so much!

KG

————————————————————–

If its from Italy it will have a stamp on the reverse that says so. Would you consider shipping this to Florida?

Jack

(Jack, this is a joke, right?)

————————————————————–

Hi

I would like to get the mask from you.  It is very pretty and I do like it a lot.

Please contact me.

Thanks

EMB

————————————————————–

IM DEFINITELY INTERESTED

ADRIANA

————————————————————–

Hi

I saw your ad, am interested and can pick up when is convenient for
you. Your mask would be perfect for my collection! Please email or
call me at ***-***-**** anytime.

Thank You

S

————————————————————–

I don’t have a mask collection.  I do have a corner in the apartment with circus clowns with a blue

light.  That mask would fit in very nicely.  Hopefully you will think of me in your decision.

P

(I would like to come over for a visit and see that.)

————————————————————–

Love your post and Love the mask!

Myself and my wife are ex circus performers who have masks from all over in our apartment and would love to give this mask a good home. If still available I would love to meet you.

Thank you

Sincerely

CC

————————————————————–

Hi
I just found the mask that you posted for free on craigslist…and I’m extremely interested!  I’m half Italian, am majoring in Italian, and have just cancelled my plans to go to Italy this summer (for many unfortunate reasons).  Since I was a child I’ve loved these masks (especially the comedy & tragedy ones), so I’d love to take it off your hands.  I’m moving to Park Slope this weekend so pickup should be a breeze.  Also, if you have any others that you might be willing to sell I may be interested.  Or if you know a place in NYC that sells them (and not the cheap halloween store ones).
Julie

(WOW, so much information.)

————————————————————–

Hi,

I am interested in the free mask presently being offered on Craigslist. I have been interested in unique, artistic items for some time and believe this mask fits  the bill.  While I’ve occassionally seen similiar ones, they were not quite the same as the one  you are offering. I believe it would make a nice addition to other artistic artifacts I have collected over the years. I would tend to think it would appeal to many others with a creative instinct . I would definately cherish it if you were so kind to donate it to me. If you do, you can be assurred it will be well cared for.

Pierre

(So I liked Pierre’s response the best. And I have always wanted to meet someone named Pierre! So I emailed and set up the meeting.  See photos below.)

————————————————————–

Hi

My name is Suzan and I saw your add, If this item is available I can come and pick it up from you.

Thank you

————————————————————–

Hello,

I just saw that you posted about a free item on Craiglist, and would like to let you know that there is a faster and easier way to find and give items for free, www.YouHaveIWant.com.

In one sentence, say what you are looking to give or get, and then YHIW will MATCH you with someone who meets your needs.  Instead of posting multiple times and searching, try posting what you WANT or HAVE on YHIW, and it will find a MATCH for you.

YHIW is REAL-TIME MATCHING, and even maintains your privacy (unlike Craigslist).
www.YouHaveIWant.com

(Um, NO. I’m good thanks.)

————————————————————–

is this still up for grabs

(DID YOU EVEN READ MY AD?!)

————————————————————–

I would love the mask, it would make my collection complete.

Please let me know you received this.

CS

(I am curious about the collection but I still choose Pierre.)

————————————————————–

I think it’s beautiful and will go great with my white/silver bedroom furniture. Please let me know when you would like to meet. I work very close to Park Slope. You can reach me at ***-***-****

Thank you!

AA

(So close! Sliver and White bedroom! Awesome!)

————————————————————–

Is mask still available?

Dièry

(Really, people?)

————————————————————–

it not a clown we have three face’s africa  ,2 from  gorga i’ll love to add to my collection i work in parkslope

-NCC

(Um, what?)

————————————————————–

HI GOOD EVENING , I JSUT HONESTLY NEED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THE MASK IS SO GORGEOUS AND HOPE IT GOES TO WHOM YOU CHOOSE….BUT IT’S REALLY NICE

-JJ

————————————————————–
Hi I am having a masquerade LBGT party in June and would love to display these and give them away to a runner up costume.

(Hmmm, can I come to the party?)

_________________________

So this is Pierre. He’s awesome and will enjoy the heck out of this mask!

————————————————–
(Well as you know but probably don’t I love thank you notes and thank you emails are cool as well. Well I got my first thank you email! No, Thank you Pierre!)

Hi (Nice Person Who Gave Me The Mask),
I just wanted to thank you once again for the really cool mask you gave me yesterday and for your efforts you put forth to meet up with me in the middle of a week day to give it to me.  I’ve spent some time looking at the mask since yesterday . It’s very Mardi- Gra -ish, but without the commercialism that often is associated with the Mardi Gra. That’s perhaps one of the qualities of this item that makes it unique, it is festive, but not trivialized or cheapened by this characteristic . As I’ve described before, the individualized artistic features are what makes this piece unique . Thanks again. This mask has found a good home.   Pierre

LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF…

No wait, look inside someone else!
I’m not a doctor and I’ve never played one on TV but check out these cool MRI’s. Think of all the fun things you could do with them. It would be like a fun arts and crafts project inspired by Dr.Oz and Martha Stewart. You could block the light out of a window, or make a cool lamp shade, cut them up and make jewelry out of them or bring them to work and show your boss that you totally should get workers comp for that time you fell off the ladder but nobody saw. Do whatever you want with them. I think they could inspire you in all sorts of ways.

Drop me a line and tell me your plans for them and I’ll meet up with you early next week.

———————————————————-

So not surprisingly this was up for 6 hours and it was “flagged and removed”. I reposted it this morning and it was up “flagged and removed” for a second time after about 8 minutes.  This is not how I wanted to start my day! Now I will be sad for the rest of the day. I hate those damn flaggers.

———————————————————-
Hi I am a photographer and would love to have the MIR’s to use as a
background for photoshoots.   I can visualize a very cool fashion
photoshoot with them specially now that I am rebuilding my portfolio.

Please let me know if I can have them.

Thanks,
M
(Off to a decent start.)

———————————————————-

Hi,
I am intrigued by your MRIs.  I make handbound journals (some of my handiwork is available here:  www.druidgrove.etsy.com ) and I think that people’s innards would make really interesting journal covers.

Do I win?  Oh please tell me I win!

-s

“I don’t want to survive!  I want to live!” – Wall-E

(Well you know I love this one because she asks if she “wins” and right there that is a good sign. And she uses the word innards, I like that too.) (After a second flagging and removal I think this one wins.)

———————————————————-

Hi, I would like to use them as window treatments and wall art.

T

———————————————————-
hi,

i’m a photographer and i collect x-rays and MRIs. I’m interested in what you have… How many are there and what size are they?

Hope they are still available…

thanks.

CE

(I went to this guy’s website and he has some cool stuff. I’ll think about it.)

———————————————————-
i wanna take them and turn them into a light box table.
the light being coming on the inside where the glas will be over the prints so it shines through.
it’ll be pretty sick
let me know if theyre still available.

DC

(Ok, but I’m not feeling it.)

———————————————————-

(This is the MRI “winner”. I think she will have fun making some cool stuff with these. )

———————————————————-

So not surprisingly this was up for 6 hours and it was “flagged and removed”. I reposted it his morning and it was up “flagged and removed” for a second time after about 8 minutes.  This is not how I wanted to start my day! Now I will be sad for the rest of the day. L I hate those damn flaggers.

———————————————————-

Hi I am a photographer and would love to have the MIR’s to use as a
background for photoshoots.   I can visualize a very cool fashion
photoshoot with them specially now that I am rebuilding my portfolio.

Please let me know if I can have them.

Thanks,
M
(Off to a decent start.)

———————————————————-

Hi,
I am intrigued by your MRIs.  I make handbound journals (some of my handiwork is available here:  www.druidgrove.etsy.com ) and I think that people’s innards would make really interesting journal covers.

Do I win?  Oh please tell me I win!

-s

“I don’t want to survive!  I want to live!” – Wall-E

(Well you know I love this one because she asks if she “wins” and right there that is a good sign. And she uses the word innards, I like that too.) (After a second flagging and removal I think this one wins.)

———————————————————-

Hi, I would like to use them as window treatments and wall art.

T

———————————————————-
hi,

i’m a photographer and i collect x-rays and MRIs. I’m interested in what you have… How many are there and what size are they?

Hope they are still available…

thanks.

CE

(I went to this guy’s website and he has some cool stuff. I’ll think about it.)

———————————————————-

i wanna take them and turn them into a light box table.
the light being coming on the inside where the glas will be over the prints so it shines through.
it’ll be pretty sick
let me know if theyre still available.

DC

(Ok, but I’m not feeling it.)

———————————————————-